Obscurantisms

We'll either understand each other better, or we won't. All feedback is treasured.

This is said with all the love a person who has suffered and forgiven, suffered and forgiven, can muster— that is to say, as much or more than the average person.


Truly: Who gives a fuck about your day? Do you? Will you?

“Took a shit. Why do I hate mom? I never called her mommy. My fault? Mustn’t think like that. Ignore that splotch by the way, just a milk stain. Headache today, 2 ibu.”

The egotism of you people is sickening.

“Hard to get out of bed. Harder to write. Went to yoga class. Made great eggs. Turmeric is key. Thought about dad. Should call him, don’t want to. Another day.”

My curiosity is genuine: Is this helping you? Is recording every inanity which passes through your head really worth the time you’re taking to do it? Doesn’t it simply, at the very least, double the amount of time you’re wasting?

“Jerked off to porn. Not proud of it. Wonder what in me likes that sort of thing. Wonder where I’ll be in a few years. Probably here.”

If it were helpful, why are you thinking the same things you were when you started the journal? You’re wasting your time. You’re wasting your time and you’re going to die soon, any minute now or any minute after that, you’re going to die and you spend one of those minutes writing about one of the other minutes, and you’ll forget both, and the product of both, and then you’ll die. And no one will read any of it.

Stop proving to yourself, and to some posterity you ridiculously imagine will one day read your drivel, that you exist. Your existence will always be forgettable, so be strong and stop pretending otherwise, and write as if you care for the experience of the person doomed to read the memoir of the least impressive person ever to exist. If hell exists, we’re all there, reading those journals we kept when we had nothing to say, and crucially, criminally, no interest in anything besides ourselves. It’s a misanthropic, nauseating, despicable sort of narcissism which makes one record their day. Might historians of the future wonder what the day-to-day experience of your average do-nothing shitheel? Perhaps. But here we arrive at the true evil of your “harmless little exercise”: You don’t, at any point in your recording of your own existence, express yourself. It doesn’t just make for poor writing (and therefore reading), but calls your sanity into question. Why not, instead, scribble the words down and immediately burn them? Or flush them? Better yet, skip the middle man and pop your head in the water and “journal” out loud as you flush, flush, flush, and don’t stop until either the words or the air run out.

Once upon a time I too made a bureaucrat of myself, by myself, recording my day as if composing the most useless character study possible.

One must be flighty, thrifty, and concerned chiefly with the worlds which surround, rather than the internal swamp. I once made a bureaucrat of myself, dutifully filling out my paperwork, checking the box which confirmed my existence, that I had been alive and that I had done something, even if it were nothing, and it was often nothing, on that day. In this way I smothered my own soul. “What sort of magpie keeps this book?” said Didion. Said Didion, “Remember what it is to be me: that is always the point.”

Impressions will remind you who you are, who you were. There are people over there having a conversation. Listen to it. Write down the funny thing she says. Light is streaming in, tell us how, from where. What’s that woman wearing? Something cheap, no doubt, you’ll write, but not as cheap as you. She looks like a whore, but you admit you only think so because you envy her legs, and you feel a bit guilty for thinking that, now. The man beside her is a horror to witness, though, so maybe there was some truth in your judgement. You’re judgemental, but you enjoy that about yourself, your judgements keep you company. You’re lonely, but you’re fine with that. Look at that— the fattest cat you’ve ever seen is being pushed around in a stroller by a man only slightly larger than his charge. A wedding ring glints on his finger. But you never wanted to get married, anyways. Eat the pastry and keep watching, listening, it’s what you’re good for.

Cassidy knew her plan was working when a month had passed without her having received a single invitation. No more meeting after work for drinks, no friend of a friend performing in any basements or garages, no shared cigarettes with coffee on Sunday mornings. At long last, the anxieties which had long plagued her faded. Her phone lay silent, and with a grim satisfaction she reflected on her success, the fears which once gripped her at the phone’s buzz no longer a risk. She’d tried putting the phone away, but she’d then live in a malignant panic, haunted by the idea of missing out, hyper-conscious of second spent solitary as yet another tally mark towards the ever-increasing percentage of her life which she will never have returned to her, and has now wasted forever. So she attended, a slave to that buzz, dragged ever onward by the kindly intentions of friends and would-be lovers.

There was only one thing to do. She had, many months ago, determined to deracinate herself, whittled her social existence away party by party (and party by party), and by the terribly drawn pace she set convincing those around her by degrees that she was no different from yesterday, that nothing had changed, that there was no need to check up, check in, or check on her, and by allowing less of herself to pour from her drunken mouth with each get-together, she succeeded in willing herself into the backdrop of even her most dedicated friendships. She’d begun to believe her skin had come to resemble the wallpaper of the room they drank in; quick eyes which had once relished settling upon her, ready for her expressions, now merely slipped past, recognition barely flickering. The background suited her, she felt, and watched the conversation-circle she sat in as would a microbe, or a god, both considering universes which depended upon physics which would not comprehend the notion of a converstion-circle. She stood and made her way from the room, then the party, without a word to or from her. She thought that the photos taken that night might find a smudgy-Cassidy shape where once she had smiled and, gripping her fully charged phone with knuckles white, she let herself be swallowed by the inky night.

I just moved to the city this week, and have been struggling with the cockroaches. My girlfriend says that it’s because humans don’t like things that don’t move then move all at once, but I think its a Jewish thing. I was raised as any middle class Connecticut kid is raised; poorly but with a library card. The first time I realized I looked any different from any of my friends was when one said my eyebrows looked like caterpillars. I didn’t know why I looked different until the following year, my first year of high school, when my history teacher asked me if “my mother was Indian, right?” and I started to answer by saying “No, she’s normal.”

She looked different when I got home that day. Browner and fatter, and her teeth seemed more yellowed by the coffee she’d always drunk, but her hair is what stood out the most to me. She had a light mustache, made up of tiny dark hairs, and the more I looked the more revolted I felt. They covered her face and arms, making her look darker and uglier and, watching from the kitchen table as she made me a snack, I felt nauseous. I realized in that moment that she was animal, and her skin felt so oily when she hugged me that I showered after, replaying in my mind how she’d talked and smiled and cooked all at once, each action further condemnation, for how like an animal to perform the little actions it has been trained to do, over and over, responding to stimuli and outputting the ingrained reaction. She may have complex actions, I reasoned, but apes can learn sign-language. The basic building blocks were the same, biology and conditioning, all the way down. All the way down.

I’m the youngest kid by 8 years, but I wasn’t a mistake. My mom got lonely as soon as my siblings began to use compound sentences. She’s the one who taught me to fear. We’d watch documentary after documentary on the Holocaust, but by age nine I only tuned in for the part where dead jews, piled high, are being tossed out of a flatbed truck.

There was one moment, though, that disturbed me more than anything. It was of Hitler— but he wasn’t giving a speech, I’d seen all that footage a thousand times on a tiny screen with tinny headphones in some tiny corner of the museum “so as to not aggrandize him”, I’d been told. But one documentary had just a few seconds of Hitler waiting his turn to speak. Because of how cameras worked then it might have been a full minute of him waiting patiently to be introduced, but all I saw was the man who apparently wanted to kill everyone who looked like me, fidgeting just how I did as he waited his turn. He looked more like me than any of my friends did, he didn’t have blonde hair or blue eyes either, even though that’s what he was into, same as me. Then he called me a cockroach, and I felt a type of sadness I’d never felt before. It was sharp and made me turn away, and I only later knew it to be pity for the both of us. My mom asked what I was thinking and I asked why he wants everyone to look a way he doesn’t, and she said it was because he was an idiot.

Sometimes I felt like a secret agent, going to all these (secular) Jewish celebrations with the knowledge that I was the only one who had ever let himself empathize with the big one. When I got out of the shower I saw myself in the mirror. I was too skinny and my eyes didn’t recognize themselves, and my skin seemed stretched over my face. I got up close so that my nose touched the mirror, bent naked over the sink to reach, and watched as the remaining flesh hung from my frame. I looked myself in one eye, then the other, trying to catch a glimpse of the spark which claims to be having all these thoughts. They looked flat. I couldn’t believe there was much going on behind them. I bared my teeth and saw the chimp, but it hurt my face so I went blank again. I saw lips. They were full. Feeling awkward, I smiled, just a bit, nose still to glass. I pulled back, lightheaded. Just some boy making faces in the bathroom mirror.

This contains footnotes marked numerically and parenthetically, to be found at the bottom of the page.


The common perception of LSD was by far most damaged by the hippies of the 60s. Accurately introduced, the power of Lennon’s “wonderdrug” was immeasurable, but coming off of the emotional repressions of the previous three decades to two thousand years, respectively depending on whether one asks a sociologist or a philosopher, your average draft-dodging deadhead(1) just couldn’t help themselves, and so acid’s reputation was left to be decided by those happy to regurgitate sheaths of sheaves, eager to be rewarded with attention and influence(2), their role to fill the public’s mind with only the most melodramatic, overwhelming visions of LSD. No matter how we’d all have wished it(3), the American conservative did not sample LSD to make up their own minds, but simply funhouse-mirrored the claims made by the monolingual kumbaya-ers, turning stories of transcendentalism into tales of mental degeneration. Hand in hand, “Peace and Love” and “Just Say No” waltzed LSD into a prohibition which has lasted half a century.

With its subject redacted, a modern reading of the testimonies so frequently and famously given by the longhair camps would bring to mind not LSD but DMT, or possibly Ecstasy, two substances distinct from LSD which, respectively, inspire psychedelic visions and heighten emotionality beyond even acid’s “God-Dosages” of the 60s. To those who have long warmed themselves by the idealism of the flower children this can be a disappointing discovery, painfully humanizing in its reputational corruption. We’ve discovered the celebrity of LSD is like any other’s celebrity. In order to be worthy of the headline, an oversimplification and exaggeration of something or someone’s finer points must take place, and all the subject can hope for is an opportunity to attempt to reveal those subtler folds of their beauty, their humanity, petals only visible firsthand to those who already care to learn, so as to not exist in the minds of others as an archetype. A character.


1. No offense is meant, though some should be taken 2. Influence, noun: A word used by those who find the word “power” crass 3. Consider: Nancy Reagan, obscenely high, in Brooklyn, seeing a bodega cat and weeping at its beauty while offering it Swedish Fish from the floor

Are you at a bar, or worse, coffee-bar? Have you just asked a question to the friend who brought you, but spoke just loud enough that the man who just entered the shop has heard? Depending on moon phase, time of day, and proximity to Bushwick, that man may be approaching your conversation with a falsely-sheepish interjection which will allow him to infiltrate and conquer your conversation.

The Nietzschean, Foucault-gobbling Brooklyn long-haired idler has the answer, irritatingly enough, as no-one likes them. Socially intolerable to the last, every interaction with one is laden with their self-indulgent tangents, but is always capped by a half-hearted question, as if they hadn’t just verbally annotated their own manifesto in a coffee shop, holding the barista unfortunate enough to have the shift which aligns with his obscene sleep schedule hostage.

Rarely does their chosen topic of conversation (and it is always their choice, eventually) contain any practical use, for their particular brand of what-they-would-call “scope” seems to only deal with particulars as a jumping-off point, the example to prove their rule (their rule, of course, being “it’s all about power”). They’re incredibly dull, and unlike tiresomes from other epochs, our tiresomes seem all to contain an ultimate self-confidence, taking the fact that their victim of the hour is still standing before them as confirmation of an eager audience.

There are strategies, however, we can use to combat their social terrorism. It is important to remember that this person is not truly a person, and if that seems harsh, ask one! If I were to ask you such a question, would you hesitate? Would your answer contain a “but”? So desperate to justify their own existences, these “people” have replaced personality with musings, never picking up on their own inability to answer even the most basic questions about themselves as a sign of wrong-pathedness. Stubbornly they’ve supplanted basic human interaction with the scourge of philosophic theory, and rather than recognizing themselves as inept, have convinced themselves that the world simply isn’t ready for their level of insight.

Keeping in mind their self-dehumanization, our most lethal weapon in this war is to ask them about themselves. “But they are products of self-involvement!” you might protest, but don’t worry. Their egoism may have led them to this decrepit state, but the state itself is devoid of self-knowledge. Stay away from questions with an ounce of deeper thought to them. Grammatically, the question should not involve any more than a lone “do you like X?”, forcing them to answer yes or no, or to say that they “aren’t really into sports/movies/television/stories in general/politics/anything anyone actually enjoys talking about”, at which point you can ask simply “why?”

It is important to remain strong. Their answer to this may be emotionally taxing to hear, melodramatic or traumatic in the extreme, they’ll tell you some awful secret as if discussing the weather, or else become extremely cagey, and by omission tell you the same story. Once through this hellfire, you have the finish line in sight. Simply nod and say “I understand, I’m sorry. That must have been hard. Thank you for telling me, it was nice talking to you.” Receive their automatic reciprocation and turn away to enjoy your beverage in sweet silence. No more than ten minutes will pass, and they will leave, roaming on to find their next hostage, thinking that they’d had a full and successful social interaction, but not quite able to put their finger on the sensation you left them with, as they are incapable of imagining someone could socially manipulate them.

Like Rome, Catania sits atop a chain of small hills, its walls barely tall enough to hide the roofs of the average wood and plaster home. The two tallest structures sat in the center of town, facing each other from either side of the main boulevard. The town hall, with its wide roof and dwindling spire, had its entrance directly across from the church with its towering, immodest doors and proud belltower. To the West rests the great Mount Etna, to the east the Ionian Sea.  

With their backs to the sea, the construction of the unimpressive wall was all that was necessary to encourage raiders to look elsewhere for their pickings. As a result the people of Catania enjoyed a sense of safety and comfort even the citizens of the capital, with their rising crime and relatively disconnected society, were envious of. While Rome, with its exploding population and vaulting structures, claimed itself the jewel of civilization, Catania’s size barely held it on the threshold of citydom. 

Their pier became a port and plans for a lighthouse to be built on the hill between Mount Etna and the sea were quickly drawn up and financed. One began to notice the same fishermen who’d spent years in their father’s boats now strolling the boulevard, twiddling their finery as they drank and shopped. With the success of the port came a boom for the town and soon there were three cobblers, two tailors who despised one another, and four bakeries, each shop filled with apprentices, their fat masters barking orders. For the older citizens each day was whiled; for the younger, ample opportunity tugged them this way and that. The wealthiest citizens spent their days much like the rest, but with more expensive wine.

Comfort breeds confidence in itself, and so Catania sat atop its Earthen lump, its citizens united in their unthinking certainty in the comforts of tomorrow. So when rumblings of conflict were heard, Catania collectively scoffed at the rumors in the same manner as children who have outgrown fairy tales. When Malta was taken, only the sailors frowned. But when Palermo was conquered overnight, the folk of Catania began to tremble. Rome sent soldiers to secure the south, and Catania whistled and cried, “Rout those Carthaginian dogs! Repel their foul grasp!” But, unknown to all but the thin boy on horseback who raced to deliver his message to the front of the ranks, Syracuse had already fallen. It would not be a fortnight later that those same soldiers, each lacking their shield-brother, limped the now-silent boulevard in the

opposite direction. The sailors had long since departed, but at the sight of the injured soldiers the fishermen too stuffed their families into their father’s boat and followed suit, all fleeing north. 

God’s favor was mentioned less and less by the pharisaic and increasingly so in the mutterings of the meek. The town met that night in the town hall, but it was all quite pitiful. Smaller conversations eventually became shouting matches which halted soon after they began, the futility of their situation drying up debate. 

“Escape into the hills?” was suggested by one man, but a yank on his arm from his wife put an end to that idea; everyone knew her sickly mother, and everyone had a sickly mother. Escape by the roads, at least on foot, was simply useless. They hadn’t a chance of reaching a stronghold before Carthage arrived. And so, while some hunters elected to ply their craft, that night the town chose to remain. All night the town’s priest and old-money citizens had eyed the large doors at the end of the hall, as if expecting Carthaginian soldiers to burst through at any moment, but as the town made its decision the priest walked to the center of the hall and raised his hands, causing a hush to fall. The priest had noticed a natural lull, and with it the chance to elevate himself – and the Lord, of course. 

He spoke thusly. “People. My people. We are beset. Godless yokels seek to conquer and destroy this land, our blessèd corner of paradise, for Catania is, I’m sure you agree, second only to Eden in its comfort and beauty.” The priest paused, noticing his audience beginning to fidget with their collars, blowing down their shirts. His throat grew thin from the sweltering heat, a droplet of sweat dripping from brow to eye, coating it in a thick film. He struggled for a moment to continue, hands clasped above his head, but once he spat out the first words the rest tumbled from his maw without thought: 

“We are... We are Beset! From the south they march to us, brandishing sharpened teeth and spears alike. In the West they sweep bodies aside like the dust they think we soon will be! Now we must look to one another, and to God, for strength; for if the western army takes Sicily, where Rome has concentrated our forces, then we will have a very difficult decision to make, indeed. Do we kneel to Carthage? Do we feed, clothe, and bed those who have killed 

our brothers? No, never, I say-” here he was cut off by fervent cries of “never!” and “to the last!”, but with only one raised palm regained control. The Priest was huffing now, his jowled face red and splotchy, the room being filled with the hot breath of a passionate, fearful people. He continued more calmly, “No, I say. Our children will not be slaves, nor our wives whores to Carthaginian dogs- God will not permit it, this I know, for I have prayed and he hath given wisdom unto me... This wisdom I now share with you, my brothers and sisters, my belovèd flock. If we now

pray and beg his strength for our brethren, if we all now commune with the Spirit and give ourselves unto him, we will be delivered. Now, let us...” The last word died in his throat as he exited the frenzy he’d entered as the heat overpowered his senses, and noticed the hundreds of heads facing downwards already, a thousand hands clasped tight as they all fell to their knees before him. The priest shut his eyes as well, but rather than pray he silently marvelled at his own performance. 

The Catanians, eyes squeezed tight and drenched in sweat, did as they were instructed. Though the hall remained stifling all through the night, hours passed before most felt comfortable leaving. When they did they were greeted by a gentle breeze and the soft blues and purples of an early twilight sky. They returned to their families comforted by the fact that, had the walls of Sicily grown by a stone for each prayer, even the combined forces of the great Cyrus and Alexander would have been repelled. The next day the town was still feeling the effect of the homily, and since the Carthaginians first landed the first normal day was held, interrupted only by cries of “Hail Sicily!”, as if they’d already sent the invaders back across the sea. None did better business than the taverns and the tobacconist, and that night the throats of the townspeople filled with smoke, songs, and wine. 

Morning came with a message on horseback: “Sicily has fallen.” Doom was but a day’s march away. Children were tasked with going door to door to notify the town of the meeting to be held at noon to discuss their defense. Catania trembled, and as the Sun ascended the people began to stream towards the hall. Some began to wonder why the faces of their wealthier neighbors were missing from the crowd – Upon reaching the main boulevard they understood. 

A line stretching from the flimsy North gate was composed of the remaining horses of Catania. They trotted along, each pulling a bisected cart towards the horizon. The front half of each cart contained the owner’s family, while the rear was loaded with valuables. Men brought the desk inlaid with gold and ivory their fathers had plundered overseas. Women brought their jewelry and favorite finery to avoid embarrassment when in Rome. An imported armoire, stacks of shoes and paintings, treasured books, a preferred vase, enough easels so the children wouldn’t have to share if they chose to paint the same river, even toys and games to keep the journey interesting, as well as enough food for a village – all these delights and more, but not one neighbor filled the other half of the carts.

The cart-riders did not see the faces of their neighbors, looking only at one another with pinched faces, tense, an air of expectancy, particularly in the last to pass through the gate. But there was no anger, no calls of revenge. The people merely gathered at the gate to watch, shoulders slumped, the dirt blackened with tears as those they had shouted alongside only a night ago plodded away. Though the procession moved slowly, no townspeople gave chase. As the privileged few passed peacefully they relaxed, and as they shared cheese and wine and jokes between carts, the meek listened as chuckles echoed up from the valley and attempted, unsuccessfully, not to recall the loyalty they’d shown as servants, friends, and neighbors. 

A dry wind blew and their minds fumbled for hope, a wretched hope born of abject conditions and requiring a thorough denial of logic and circumstance. They whispered these hopes to one another without conviction, and as if summoned by their anguish the priest arrived, seated atop a donkey and wearing full regalia. He said nothing, but armed with a painted-gold scepter and a solemn expression, he parted the people like Moses, not looking down as he passed when they stretched out their hands to rub the cloth of his billowing white robes between thumb and forefinger, his gaze fixed on the cart line. 

Once he’d passed the gate he spurred the donkey to a canter. The people watched as he vanished behind the slope of a hill, then reemerged, before catching the rear of the caravan behind the next hill. Spirits began to lift as the procession ceased to emerge from behind the hill, minutes passing, and all the town held its breath, thinking him to have succeeded in his mission of retrieval – but when a horse appeared with its horizon bound burden shared with a donkey, the people did not wait to catch sight of the priest pulling bread and sacramental wine from his robes to share with his new traveling companions. 

They turned away as one, spitting in a fruitless attempt to rid themselves of the bitter taste which coated the tongue of each Catanian. A few curses were muttered but no solace was found in speech, so knowing any defense was useless and without another word uttered, Catania unanimously decided to spend its final hours cavorting. Wine flowed in equal measure to tears, drunken songs were led by church mice, and the buck-toothed anxiety of youthful affection made great strides, all aided by the handy excuse of an impending doom.

Two lovers stumbled their way from the tavern to the empty church and climbed the belltower, determined to love and make love beneath the stars until the Carthaginians set fire to their refuge, at which point they would, hand-in-hand, leap and dash themselves below. They had begun to make good on their promise but cries from below bade them look out. The sun had set and left behind an inky black and bellflower hue, wispy clouds like stained glass barely illuminated by the lidded crescent moon. Small fires dotted the hills and valleys to the south, the only evidence of the massive armies marching ever nearer. Palm found palm as war drums beat, and the lovers averted their gaze, looking to the north to catch sight of the last cart, caught in the moonlight, rounding the far edge of the great mount. 

What was there to do but cling to one another? To shut eyes and kiss cheeks even as the earth shook? Were the Carthaginians so great as to cause such a rumbling? 

Not one Catanian, not even the lovers, saw the eruption, but everyone invading and fleeing trembled and looked up, turning as though a primeval hand wrenched their necks, forcing them to catch full sight of the heavens being scorched by the earth. Etna coughed black dust and flaming rock thrice as if clearing its throat to quiet a room, then lay silent until the priest drew a shaky breath. At this, points of light poked through that tower of darkness which rose above them all, and voluminous rivers of blindingly bright magma sped down the mountain and flowed through the valleys, filling in the network of glens, melting armor and easels alike. The lovers watched as their town was surrounded by moats of magma, and while the Carthaginians sounded horns of retreat, deciding to go northwest and ignore the town, no Catanian, rich or poor, would see the Coliseum that year.

Every room I’ve ever been in with other people has, from the ceiling’s plane downwards, had the same order of stacked horizontal planes: Ceiling, air, air, hair, skull, eyeballs and brains (my second least favorite plane), teeth and tongues, chest hair, nipples, chest hair again, bellybuttons, guts, underwear elastics, more holes, knees, shins (least favorite), foot hair, toe hair and ground. I know, to you, it must sound like witchcraft, as I know that while reading of my findings your head cocked, at first bemused and then in horror, at the sameness of our lives. You realized that every room you’ve ever been in was composed of identical planar dissections. I am sorry. I’ve awoken you from ignorance, a one-way portal to hell. I’ve killed you, in a sense, exposed you to truths I have not the heroism within me to quietly die with. I am sorry, truly.

And it only gets worse. Think of cars. Think of restaurants. Any place, in fact, where there is a building with people in it, this structure reigns supreme.

But there is a secret I’ve discovered, one which causes a terrible headache, a painful ringing of the ears after long enough, even amputation, if the engagement lasts long enough. Through grueling training lasting many weeks, I’ve reinvented the social bipedal as the social bipedal, inverted. Upon my feet I approach and ring the doorbell, but it is my hands I enter atop, striding into dinner parties with feet flopping above triumphantly, on my knuckles I chat with cousins removed, sipping from a straw from a cup conscientiously placed on the ground by someone’s child. It’s always children who help— the world’s first truth-seers, aren’t they? They understand. And so gradually, then all at once, I am free from my predicament entirely. Whether dinner parties and reunions no longer exist or my mail has been rerouting, I’ll never know (toes too large to dial). I’ve upended, in my small way, the tyranny of that odiously deterministic structure of our world. All we have to lose are our chains.

Today my fingers bled (it's my fault)

The blood was the same blood it always was, but the source was conspicuous enough for me to take notice. Seeing what I'm ''supposed to feel'' to be my very essence, drained in a new fashion, triggered only the slightest reaction. It wasn't the reaction itself, but its minute scale which drew my conscious attention. Do other animals react to the sight of blood? Does it matters whose?

I can't remember my nails ever not being surrounded by ripped up flesh, even though I remember when and why I started gnawing on myself. A vague appearance-based embarrassment had its time, but in private I was unconcerned. I'd never encountered the idea of a body— particularly mine— retaining any sanctity. You were a baby, then you weren't. Probably I did, with all the hysteria about pedophiles while the internet grew up around me, but I managed to say the right words at the right times, and for that I earned isolation's outgrowths. I earned my faulty memory, voids I'll never fill with joys I'll only ever know secondhand. Sometimes I try and be happy for the creature which became me, grateful that they got to live those moments I only get to hear of; but mostly I seethe, if not in jealousy then in hate, boiling in the lone memory I seem able to revisit intentionally, an inky void of a long-lost bedroom given color by eyes shut so tight it hurt, since crying would be a distraction from the work I felt I needed to do, desperately willing my mind to deteriorate, wishing the shackles which bound me to my experience to dissolve, hoping whatever character I'd become to forgive me for my self-obliteration. Steel wool through warm butter. Saturn's filicide was an act of terror.

But I was used to the iron-tasting black grime of my dried essence which pooled in the divots of my nail's gored-out perimeter, enjoyed its salt most after it dried but before it turned sticky and got dirty. I'd somehow begun to bleed from the tips of my fingers— it was the inconvenience which alerted me to my novel tributary. I sucked like you suck anything, I guess, my popsicle-teat causing my spine's base to relax, soften, chemically whittling me in the same ways new drugs or new loves had every few years, each one insisting that they're different because they know that's what I crave and yet this is the only one I've returned to, the only one I've never rejected. But now I taste like shit. I wash my hands and still—

I liked the taste of blood of at least two people, my own and the neighbor girl's, which I'd licked when she'd skinned her knee. We were small so it was just funny. I had been curious whether hers would do for me what mine did for me, but had been disappointed. The fact that it's my own person I eat, I realized, that's what soothes.

— Shit. I point at myself and, watching the droplet hang, avoid the skin of my finger with its sweat and oils and just barely touch my tongue to the droplet and still—

When I am myself I think I think crudely; I hope I am crude now: What I learned from the neighbor girl was true, but the story wasn't. Never had a neighbor girl, but do have some sense of licking a skinned knee. I'm hoping the lesson is what matters.

— Worse. I point up and trace my spiral fingerprints with my eyes, and blink back to an easy day spent on a sun-warmed grey faux leather couch beside a bay window which framed a long-lost out of focus backyard, which framed an upturned finger I held before my eyes, studying the swirls on my fingers and wondering if I would ever look at them and be unsurprised. I hoped not.